Saturday, September 30, 2006
I hate myself. I hate myself for failing my chinese paper. Yes, I have failed. And why have i taken up higher mother tongue in e first place? I do not know. Maybe its my foolish thinking that i could get by 'O' levels chinese and then i do not have to study chinese for JC. But fat hope. Its useless. What can i hope to achieve out of chinese? I totally suck in chinese. Its true. Ask around. I can't even speak the language, not even close to like a natural. I can't speak it fluently. Yes, to put it simply i'm a disgrace to my chinese ancestors. How horrid. Don't talk to me about that stupid chinese paper again. Not a word. Don't let me remember about it again. Please. Because if you do, i'll break down. I'll cry---you'll see. Let me have peace of mind to study for science. And hopefully i may score. I'm just hoping for the best. The best for me which i cannot determine. The best for me i cannot predict. But there is still hope, if i study hard. Gotta push myself---not too hard though, or the next time you see me, you'll definitely see a different me. Totally. No doubt. I'll never smile again and if anyone can make me smile, you're godsent. I'm entering my darkest hours. Whoever said teenage life was the best part of life? Frankly, i do think it would be my childhood that i enjoy most. Free of worries, at least not much, and no stinking stress. I kinda really regret entering this school. There is just too much stress i just feel like dropping out. I think i'd rather go anderson or somewhere else. Not here. Definitely. Mixed school, yes. Bring on the class clowns. Girls don't really know how to be super funny, and even though i am one myself, honestly i think that girls are afraid to embarrass themselves. No offence. Just what's on my mind. Whatever it is, i really have to buck up or else.< i slept on e couch and missed inuyasha again! what is e matter with me?! let inuyasha down---twice! sad... > lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 7:54 PM
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Friday, September 29, 2006
Today nothing much to write de..nothing interesting.. I think radioblogclub.com got smthing wrong leh..like cnt work or i cant see anything..blog also like got no music de..very weird..but i'll try again tmr la..Today just got back eng lit paper..results ok la..at least got A2 happy le ^-^...Ai ya! yesterday sleep on couch until 12 midnight, then miss inuyasha..nvm..today.....must keep awake! Whoot! haha..also overslept today..must be really exhausted!Oh ya..and that mrs cheong..im pretty glad that was her last lesson with us for e year..very sian jus hearing her talk..in chi de! How to understand?! Wished she could speak in eng throughout but cnt la..her eng like very lan bei.. lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 3:52 PM
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Thursday, September 28, 2006
What scares me most? That is losing everything and everyone i have and have ever loved. Not death. That is the thing i am most sensitive to and should i feel that my relationship with others is strained, or others seem to turn away from me, i'd feel very sad and worry for the worst. Frankly, i do feel i'm extremely irritating and am getting on the nerves of everyone. Its like i'm either too boring or too energetic, and most of the time my moods come wrongly at the wrong time. And i will just feel so worried, what if i should lose all my friends? Now is not really a good time for me, because i'm well, down with all my poor results and i find it hard to keep cheery and when i feel really upset, i can't bring myself to talk to others. Its like my mind is clouded and blank and when people ask me something or try to talk to me, i can't answer and i'm afraid other people will think i am deliberately ignoring them. Its like when i'm sad, and i try to open my mouth to reply, i feel like i'm gonna cry and i don't want to suddenly burst out in tears or something..its just so hard to explain to others too because it is, afterall, something even words find it hard to explain..I'm kind of at a loss of what to do..so confused..and should my friends leave me, my heart would break into a thousand pieces. Sometimes i really feel so insecure and i really need a friend who really understands me. My heart is so fragile now, like anytime it would break. And when that happens, it will be the last of me. There will be no purpose in life for me then. Then its time to go. lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 3:56 PM
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Wednesday, September 27, 2006
today was SOO demoralising..received geog and english papers and both hv such bad results! I felt like crying.. Ai ya! Its like this whole term hor, all e test papers i hv done all hv lao ya pok results de..all so stupid marks..so low..why must it be like this?! I bet hor, i will definitely do extremely bad for this term and will pull down my overall results! And i wont be able to be in same class with Bianca! Arrgh! But i do hv smthing to look forward too..Inuyasha! (again) Daddy saved e day yesterday so..whoopie! XD
haha..jus put up a rather quirky song..its kinda new but it sounds like its frm e 70s..irony is, it makes you feel like dancing although e title is "I Don't Feel Like Dancing"...haha..enjoy!
lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 6:14 PM
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Tuesday, September 26, 2006
SHIIIIITT! STUPID BLOODI BROTHER! Twice in a row..!TWICE! he agitated, irritated my parents and worse of all, caused them to pull out e cable! Now, cant even watch e normal channels! Think abt inuyasha! Oh my lovely inuyasha! Tmr it hv show and wat happens today?! NO TV! Today is bad enough..tough mathematics paper, so stressed until i cried (you all cant see cos i hide..mwahahahaha) cos cant solve. In e end i anyhow do and couldnt complete.. Anyway, HOW?! Now cnt watch inuyasha..oh how my heart breaks! (very dramatic rite? I know..) I swear i could hv put all e vulgarities i noe on this post, only i dun want to look bad.. DAMN! Im so mad, i could charge at him with infinity horns! I swear im gonna take revenge one day..ONE DAY..watch out..i've suffered enough under your inconsiderate actions..im just waiting for e right moment to strike..and when i do, you noe wats e meaning of..SUFFERING... lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 5:30 PM
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Sunday, September 24, 2006
what a stupid day..its that sister of mine again, always trying to pick a fight with me. Just a simple comment could spark one and she always thinks i am insulting her in one way or another. She complains alot and ownself says ppl complain alot and wont admit that she is in the wrong. Every argument, whenever she is in e wrong, she would twist and twist until it seems it is her victim's fault instead. Every little thing i do nowadays she likes to pick on it. I know she doesnt like me, for who-knows-why, but that doesnt give her e right to make my life miserable. At night i cant even talk. So imagine, how happy i was when she went for OBS for 5 days! SO like a dream come true, even my bro agrees that whenever she is around she seems to restrict and boss us abt(except my bro always stick to her whenever she is around and she uses him to make me jealous of anything so i dun really noe if it is true wat he says). And now, back to my tortured life again. Afterall, she is e eldest of the trio and wen she says one, who dares say two(actually nowadays i do.i do not care.so wat if she is my elder?I hv to fight for myself rite? heck!)? But anyway, im not dat stupid too. If there is nothing left to argue and she is still rattling away, might as well stop.dun hv to waste my breath on her. Im kinda glad nowadays im quite senseless, as in usually wen unless something really affects me den i care, and i must promise myself i wont cry or be hurt just bcos of her, not like b4. So nowadays wen she does not listen to me or care abt wat i am trying to tell her, i do not see any wrong in doing e same thing to her. So she cant give e stupid reason that i wat shit mature faster den everyone else, just bcos i 'not fun' to her. Stupid reason rite? Maturity is not judged by one's own mood/tiredness so no energy to play/etc and wen i try to tell her dat? She thinks its all crap and wont listen to my explaination. Duhh..so typical of her whenever i try to communicate with her. So hor, wen she is nice to me, i am always cautious. I do not know for sure what reason she may be up to. So there you go. Some sister..i honestly do not hate her but now dat she doesnt like me, i also feel so inclined to dislike her, just like with some 'friends'. Each day i either dislike her even more or cant even be bothered a little bit. If she reads this, i cant say anything more than that serves her right for kpo-ing my things.my blog. She knows i hv a blog and where she can go and see it so it would be tuh badd yo..sure, she got e looks and wat am i? A big ol ugly freak with so much fats. But sometimes i do thank my lucky stars im not her, but myself, no matter it seems how much more luckier she is as compared to me. Ah well, there no point in talking abt her le..signing off.. lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 2:52 PM
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Saturday, September 23, 2006
yesterday couldnt post cos so busy..got e np thingy......AND NO INUYASHA!!! Sooooo sian lor..I actually stayed up especially to watch it de leh..and Bridging Minds 2006 disappointed me..was quite angry with it but i think it should not be on next week..or i'd get real mad! haha..just kidding..but it would be true i'd get very upset..BECAUSE I LOVE INUYASHA!!! ( now you'd think im a maniac of some sort but i really really like that show )
Speaking of a maniac, i think im going crazy and overly anxious for this term's test..i actually thought today was sunday and panicked(well, a little..)! Cos monday hv history test..hai..
Ya noe, i was thinking abt this yesterday..there was this thing i realised i hv sorta repeated two years apart but its almost e same thing..Two years ago, it was raining and on e way home i saw a girl younger den me frm my pri sch whose umbrella kept threatening to over-turn. It was a very heavy rain ya see and i myself had a rather cosy shelter above myself..I didnt noe why i did it cos i usually very shy abt helping strangers and dat girl sure is one to me though i hv seen her before and she lives in e same block as me, but somehow i approached her, unexpectedly, and sheltered her back to e block.
Well, last week it sorta happened again..a little different though..Last thurs i saw a pri sch friend(classmate) of mine in a train and said hi(actually he said hi first den i say). Well, it was only when we were approaching sembawang den we realised it was raining. We alighted dere la..I walked fast(as usual) and as i was around reaching out of the mrt station, he caught up with me and asked me how was i goin back in e rain. I said i had an umbrella and den he walked up to anther friend of his (apparently it was my pri chi lesson classmate.how coincidential..). And so i walked past em with my umbrella but as i stopped at a traffic junction waiting for e green man, i saw him stop where i was and saw he had walked through e rain, all wet and drenched. Inside my mind was like, you gotta help him gladys. I was also shy at that time la.. But to my surprise, I actually walked up to him and did what i had planned inside my head which i tot would nvr happen!
He accepted my help and he asked me where i stayed and vice versa. Lucky he live near me la(actually i already noe dat)..so i sheltered him all e way to the linkway dere. My bag was wet(duh, umbrella where got big enough for 2 ppl and big bulky bags?)but at least he said thanks, not like the girl i helped two years ago though i could see she was grateful. He said it many times, sms-ed me a thanks and on messenger he said thanks too. So nice rite? But dun get e wrong idea ppl hor..wo men mei you na zhong rou ma de gan qing..we dun have that kinda feelings for each other, just friends.
Anyway, this 2 incidents really got me thinking: How come this happened to me twice and again? Its weird but i think it was He who wanted me to do this (prob anth of my boring talks)..well, i guess this is what and anyway its kinda similar to e saying "Wisdom tells us that we are likely to repeat the same mistakes" or smthing like dat, i cant really rmb..its like some things just happen again in each of ur lives rite? Well, it just really set me thinking yesterday and i actually had alot in mind except that i couldnt go online yesterday so too bad lor..
Ai ya it seems like i keep writing extremely long posts and im sure you all sian le but i always seem to hv alot to write abt, at least for now i think. I think the reason why i choose to start blogging is cos i feel i hv alot up my mind but i lazy to write in a diary and i sorta find it more 'relaxing' to type it out..oh well..gtg..sis wants to use com le.. lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 7:44 PM
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Thursday, September 21, 2006
sianz..tmr still hv to go and support wat stupid np thingy..today still hv to polish boots or ma'am will surely scold or smthing..but i do hv one thing to look forward to..INUYASHA!! Oh, did i mention i was a biggie with inuyasha? Naw..dun think so..but i LOVE it! whoo!
haha..enough of my crazy nonsense..but catch it if you can..art central 11pm, every wed to fri..its SUPERB i tell ye!
ai ya..just finished english test today..really stinks i think i might as well fail le lor..so hard i dun understand..ai ya all e same for this term's test la..all very scared will fail cos its our last tests mah..but i guess lucky no exams?
haha..yesterday talk abt being forgetful..it was gd for yesterday ya noe..cos smone send me some stupid extreme gross email abt some suicide at e mall.. I dun like ppl to send me these kinda stuff lor..so sick! Ai ya..if you see it you like will pray you will not hv nightmares de.. lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 4:23 PM
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006
hey..its me again! :)
hai..today's geog paper was also pretty much hard, well, at least for e river part..everybody was so confused by the second last figure and no one noes hu is rite n hu is wrong..just hv to wait for results lor..
I wrote delta for Q2ai and Q2aii, watershed and river mouth for e B and C, and for question7 i put A for my ans! Ai ya..its like nobody put those answers..i very scared and jing zhang le..wad if my answers, especially e delta one is wrong? I'll lose 4 plus plus marks! Just hope dat my map work will pull me up and i didnt hv any spelling error.. I dun noe la, but today, for no specific reason i was very stressed up over dis test. Its like i nvr like dat b4 any geog test de loh..so weird i also wanted to scream while revising but of course cnt lah..lesson time and still in sch le..later ppl tot i siao or scarly someone tot i was screaming for some help and den he or she come to help me but instead realise nothing is wrong..wont it be so ma lu?
Today mr wong also asked us abt e welfare of e class..i think he very poor thing, hv to deal with my class, like hv alot of problems..but i also dunno whether other classes also like dat lah..must do smthing to help him relief his big burden so i hope everyone else would try to speak up should they hv anything to say..i dunno if i hv anything to say myself..must see first..
Ya noe..i think i may seem to be losing my senses or smthing, like they're fading away..why i say dat? first of all i think my sense of hearing is like each day i like deaf le (den become daffy duck huh? joking..)..its like i cant seem to hear most things nowadays.. And e other thing is dat i seem to easily forget everything..i dunno if its good but of course in e case of hving to memorise smthing for test, i will die la..but wat im actually refering to is yesterday when i felt so angry with my chi paper..yesterday while studying for geog, i seem to hv forgotten abt my anger..its like its gone forever. Even today i also dun feel angry le..so fast hor? its just very weird..very..but i also think its good leh! haha..no im serious..den i wont hv to hv headache just thinking and cursing myself over such small matters. I mean come on la..i hv other things SO much more impt and no use moaning anyway ma..ai ya in all, i guess i changing alot le..mentally and physically..
I wanna grow until very tall! (but not so tall la, like arnd 165cm dere) I feel so short now..big lump..of fats! haha.. lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 4:15 PM
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006
today is hell..and it would probably be like dat for the rest of my life. Stinking chinese paper, nearly lost my life! I have to say sorry to Bianca..was so angry with myself after test couldn't bring myself to talk to her cos scared i blow up..hai..and tmr hv geog paper and e nxt day, english..
I hate tests and exams and anything dat includes marks!
Sometimes i feel like falling to my death, but of course i wouldn't do dat! Life is once only and i should cherish it no matter what.. But the funny thing is, nowadays i feel like as if i dun fear death anymore, as in should it be time for me to go, im willing to go. I do not noe exactly why i feel this way but it certainly hv been bothering me these days..its just so weird..i wasn't like this before..last time so scared of death de..
I dun noe if it is good but there is definitely something wrong with me alright, cos i guess we all shouldn't be afraid of death because of some reasons i dun wanna state..
I feel my time on earth is complete and yet it isn't. I hvn't gone through much but i feel that should anyone take away my life with a reason, of course, i guess i wun mind at all. But i will never kill myself deliberately, duhh..i won't smoke, take drugs or anything of dat sort! Btw, i HATE smoking so there is no reason why i should start anyway..
Sometimes i do wonder if it is also true dat once you die, you would still rmb ur times on earth..at least it is what my mum's friend, a christian, told me..i seriously wanna be one myself but i dunno where to start, with so many questions in mind and i also do not noe for sure if im ready myself. I noe the doors r like always open for me? but its just so hard now..with so much on my mind..sometimes i do pray, to thank Him or ask a favour but i also tend to ask myself nowadays, Is it selfish of us to ask so many favours of God, but sometimes we just forget about him? I feel sometimes we ask alot of favours of Him and He sometimes grants them if you ask in faith, but we r also all so ungrateful. Some of us do not think of God once we receive good frm Him..But i guess it all boils down to the 'fact' that he loves all of us, although we r all sinners frm birth..
Praise God whenever you can!
He loves you!
I guess i should thank him a whol lot now..my history paper i tot i would never pass at all ( i became so angry with myself too after completing e paper cos i couldn't complete it ) but Thank God! i did pretty well in fact ya noe! :)
I guess i should end here now..long enough le and i must faster do revision for geog paper tmr..must jiayou! lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 5:34 PM
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hah..this is my second time posting..the first one screwed up so badly.. lost; blur; hurt was brought to life at 5:29 PM
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